The scariest Vipassana on the planet...really.

So, I absolutely promised myself I wouldnt be sitting here right now writing about leaving the vipassana, but life has it's way.  I'm ok with the fact that I have a weak mind for leaving, because I know myself now.  Fear, the emotion I certainly had no intention of falling prey to, was the killer.

So, leaving the ashram was tough...it's hard when good things come to an end, but I really thought things were great, on to the next adventure.  I said bye to the ashram dog Kali, who has gotten HUGE from the first time you saw her in my first blogs:

She is so loved around here...currently she is horribly ill..gastro and worms...and its just so painful to watch her suffer. They have had her on multiple IV's, meds, you name it.  My heart breaks for everyone here that just hovers around her and is sad. I'm one of them. I refuse to intervene and be a douche. Look at me and my new self control.

So, off I went to the Vipassana with two girls from the course, Kayla and Pheove (Feeve).  So we take a taxi there and after we cram into a rickshaw mortorcycle type car he drops us off at the side of a mountain and across an almost dry riverbed points to the centre...hahah we have to get on all our gear and walk across. ankle deep! Nice detour. Finally, we get to the gate, where all the other participants have been dropped off right at the door somehow. Here's us, full of hope.

Take note. This is the only pic I have of me in the hopeful state.  So, we get to the registration desk and there is immediately bad energy. Here we are, about to be trapped in the middle of an army base in northern India for 10 days with nothing but meditation on the roster, and I'm being snapped at to get in line amid a huge multicultural cluster (**^.  Half the people are Indian, I'm the only Canadian, there are people from Isreal, Singapore, USA, Russia, and ladies from Kazikstan, Italy, and Croatia.  Bad vibes..me and the other girls I went with decided to wait outside to let the meditation hungry animals sign up and hand their passports in first.

We listened to them beg and plead to be in their own rooms...as if. We just laughed. I got the last of four beds crammed into a room smaller than my ashram room: Note: I'm right by the washroom.

So, I meet my roomates: this chick who worked at Google for four years who is stressing about giving up her cell phone, an Isreali girl who is so freaked out she wants to leave, and last but not least, the girl who told me to get in line. Karma certainly punches me in the face pretty often. So...I'm cool with it. I unpack my stuff, the google girl takes out this ginormous bathroom caddy and hogs the space on the hooks in the bathroom. I actually like Google girl, she reminds me of before I came, all anxious and stuff.

So, dinner, a sign up sheet for some toilet paper (none for tonight mind you) and bottled water and tampons to be delivered tomorrow, and gathered at the registration hall for first 'session'.  So I'm there, I'm gung ho, I'm like no worries I can do this. I sit down an inch from a gecko, I look up and right on the wall in front of the room is the hugest spider I've seen in my entire life. Just chillin.

 So, I thought to myself, if I let it bother me I'll just manifest it in my room. I thought about that spider a lot in that hour.  So, afterwards it's bedtime.  Guess who was waiting for me on the wall by my bed?  Mr. Spider.  I didn't panic. I pulled the bed out. By this time we are in "Noble Silence" and I must not say a word. Google girl goes to the washroom and gasps. It's not her likeness in the mirror she's appauled at. I go in. Yep. Another.

She pulls out the Off! bug spray and starts spraying the room.  It would have been more effective if I went over and asked the spider in hindi to not touch me.  I made it through the night, and when I woke up after a fitful sleep, it was now by another bed. Phew. I was completely terrified. Israeli girl got the hell out of there on day 1. Why I didnt listen to my intuition and follow her I will always be amazed. Maybe I do have SOME guts. So, we spend a total of 10 hours meditating that day. I was in so much pain I wanted to die. Sitting is not a natural posture.

I learned such a valuable lesson that day.  Amidst the bug issue for which I could not pee or wash myself with the cold water bucket because there are no showers, I found myself so frustrated and angry and I hadnt even started the exercises yet.  I got so angry that they changed the schedule around a bit that I told the assistant teacher I wanted to leave,  and asked her why I was so upset over the scheduling of meditation, which is the whole time so who cares? She told me that the first emotion that comes up in a Vipassana is the first thing you need to work on in your life. The first layer. The thing I need to let go of most.

I went back into the meditation hall and sat up straight. I sat there and didnt move for a whole hour. I wanted to die of pain. When I went into the washroom to wash my face, I was greeted by not one, but four huge spiders, one on the side of the toilet bowl, one on the floor, and two on the wall.  Good lord.  I broke the silence and got Kayla to kill the one on the wall in the room. Another fitful sleep, where I discovered I had gotten diarrhea from the unsealed bottle of water I was gifted with to make sure I didnt get sick.  I was awoken by Russian girl talking in tongues in her sleep all night long.  I walked to the main washroom and was greeted by more spiders, but smaller.

 4am..meditation for two hours. Afterwards I came back to my room and lay on my bed.  At that very moment the hugest, hairiest spider crawled onto my right shoulder.

Goodbye vipassana.

After begging to leave and being told I was weak and gutless, I was happy to get out of there for good.  Another girl decided to leave too for some reason and hitched a ride I took her to Rishikesh, back to the haven of Yog Peeth. What a safe little bubble in India it is here and I must say I cannot tell you how elated and joyful I was to arrive and see familiar faces of people who run the place and who had not left.  Another high on natural chemicals moment.

So here I am, for another week in my happy place. I'm going to take yoga every morning and enjoy good food and hover over the dog and watch her get better. I am going to suntan on the roof, read a book and take a reiki course. Yes, people I am going to dive into the world of healing energy.  It's all in the master plan. The next adventure starts in Delhi on April 2, where we will be travelling into 40 degree heat to see forts and ruins and the taj mahal in Agra...and I will tell you, I wont do much else except siesta in the afternoons. Perfect relaxation before I come back to the chaos of the ER.

                                                              xoxoxoxo