Homesickness...

Here I am, April 1, ten days from that sweet 16 hour ride home. I'm so glad I stayed this long.  I am SO ready to go home. First thing in the morning tomorrow we are off to Rajasthan, to see Delhi and Agra.

This week consisted of waking up at 630 every morning, spending an hour doing meditation, sun salutation yoga, head and elbow stands and positive affirmation rituals. Me. A person who wakes up and has a ritual. No, no alien has stolen my body or anything. I downloaded the Bikram yoga class and I am getting killed for 90 minutes every evening. I am starting to tone up and it's so satisfying. Yoga forever!  Oh and ya, I'm totally addicted to Six Feet under these days. What a show!

I ask myself often if this radical change happened because I wanted it deep in my soul, or because I am  tired of living an anxiety filled unhappy existence and this was the only way I could kick start it. I think a bit of both. I knew I could not do it without help and I found it here.  I could not have learned to love myself without the teachers and my friends drilling it into me every day.  People loved me here that knew me only for six weeks, which has to mean I am a pretty cool person.  Now that I have self respect I view the world in entirely a different way. I will never look back into my past except to appreciate the lessons I've learned along the way.

I am not that person anymore. Looking forward to posting some pics of the next leg of the trip.....keep you posted.

                                                     xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

The scariest Vipassana on the planet...really.

So, I absolutely promised myself I wouldnt be sitting here right now writing about leaving the vipassana, but life has it's way.  I'm ok with the fact that I have a weak mind for leaving, because I know myself now.  Fear, the emotion I certainly had no intention of falling prey to, was the killer.

So, leaving the ashram was tough...it's hard when good things come to an end, but I really thought things were great, on to the next adventure.  I said bye to the ashram dog Kali, who has gotten HUGE from the first time you saw her in my first blogs:

She is so loved around here...currently she is horribly ill..gastro and worms...and its just so painful to watch her suffer. They have had her on multiple IV's, meds, you name it.  My heart breaks for everyone here that just hovers around her and is sad. I'm one of them. I refuse to intervene and be a douche. Look at me and my new self control.

So, off I went to the Vipassana with two girls from the course, Kayla and Pheove (Feeve).  So we take a taxi there and after we cram into a rickshaw mortorcycle type car he drops us off at the side of a mountain and across an almost dry riverbed points to the centre...hahah we have to get on all our gear and walk across. ankle deep! Nice detour. Finally, we get to the gate, where all the other participants have been dropped off right at the door somehow. Here's us, full of hope.

Take note. This is the only pic I have of me in the hopeful state.  So, we get to the registration desk and there is immediately bad energy. Here we are, about to be trapped in the middle of an army base in northern India for 10 days with nothing but meditation on the roster, and I'm being snapped at to get in line amid a huge multicultural cluster (**^.  Half the people are Indian, I'm the only Canadian, there are people from Isreal, Singapore, USA, Russia, and ladies from Kazikstan, Italy, and Croatia.  Bad vibes..me and the other girls I went with decided to wait outside to let the meditation hungry animals sign up and hand their passports in first.

We listened to them beg and plead to be in their own rooms...as if. We just laughed. I got the last of four beds crammed into a room smaller than my ashram room: Note: I'm right by the washroom.

So, I meet my roomates: this chick who worked at Google for four years who is stressing about giving up her cell phone, an Isreali girl who is so freaked out she wants to leave, and last but not least, the girl who told me to get in line. Karma certainly punches me in the face pretty often. So...I'm cool with it. I unpack my stuff, the google girl takes out this ginormous bathroom caddy and hogs the space on the hooks in the bathroom. I actually like Google girl, she reminds me of before I came, all anxious and stuff.

So, dinner, a sign up sheet for some toilet paper (none for tonight mind you) and bottled water and tampons to be delivered tomorrow, and gathered at the registration hall for first 'session'.  So I'm there, I'm gung ho, I'm like no worries I can do this. I sit down an inch from a gecko, I look up and right on the wall in front of the room is the hugest spider I've seen in my entire life. Just chillin.

 So, I thought to myself, if I let it bother me I'll just manifest it in my room. I thought about that spider a lot in that hour.  So, afterwards it's bedtime.  Guess who was waiting for me on the wall by my bed?  Mr. Spider.  I didn't panic. I pulled the bed out. By this time we are in "Noble Silence" and I must not say a word. Google girl goes to the washroom and gasps. It's not her likeness in the mirror she's appauled at. I go in. Yep. Another.

She pulls out the Off! bug spray and starts spraying the room.  It would have been more effective if I went over and asked the spider in hindi to not touch me.  I made it through the night, and when I woke up after a fitful sleep, it was now by another bed. Phew. I was completely terrified. Israeli girl got the hell out of there on day 1. Why I didnt listen to my intuition and follow her I will always be amazed. Maybe I do have SOME guts. So, we spend a total of 10 hours meditating that day. I was in so much pain I wanted to die. Sitting is not a natural posture.

I learned such a valuable lesson that day.  Amidst the bug issue for which I could not pee or wash myself with the cold water bucket because there are no showers, I found myself so frustrated and angry and I hadnt even started the exercises yet.  I got so angry that they changed the schedule around a bit that I told the assistant teacher I wanted to leave,  and asked her why I was so upset over the scheduling of meditation, which is the whole time so who cares? She told me that the first emotion that comes up in a Vipassana is the first thing you need to work on in your life. The first layer. The thing I need to let go of most.

I went back into the meditation hall and sat up straight. I sat there and didnt move for a whole hour. I wanted to die of pain. When I went into the washroom to wash my face, I was greeted by not one, but four huge spiders, one on the side of the toilet bowl, one on the floor, and two on the wall.  Good lord.  I broke the silence and got Kayla to kill the one on the wall in the room. Another fitful sleep, where I discovered I had gotten diarrhea from the unsealed bottle of water I was gifted with to make sure I didnt get sick.  I was awoken by Russian girl talking in tongues in her sleep all night long.  I walked to the main washroom and was greeted by more spiders, but smaller.

 4am..meditation for two hours. Afterwards I came back to my room and lay on my bed.  At that very moment the hugest, hairiest spider crawled onto my right shoulder.

Goodbye vipassana.

After begging to leave and being told I was weak and gutless, I was happy to get out of there for good.  Another girl decided to leave too for some reason and hitched a ride I took her to Rishikesh, back to the haven of Yog Peeth. What a safe little bubble in India it is here and I must say I cannot tell you how elated and joyful I was to arrive and see familiar faces of people who run the place and who had not left.  Another high on natural chemicals moment.

So here I am, for another week in my happy place. I'm going to take yoga every morning and enjoy good food and hover over the dog and watch her get better. I am going to suntan on the roof, read a book and take a reiki course. Yes, people I am going to dive into the world of healing energy.  It's all in the master plan. The next adventure starts in Delhi on April 2, where we will be travelling into 40 degree heat to see forts and ruins and the taj mahal in Agra...and I will tell you, I wont do much else except siesta in the afternoons. Perfect relaxation before I come back to the chaos of the ER.

                                                              xoxoxoxo

The greatest 24 hours of my life...so far...

The first time that Roshan, our yogi, told us that life can be so great that you feel as high without any chemical at all, I snorted and giggled under my breath. I thought sure, you are selling some magic fooey, you have never been high, but it's all in the package of the India Yogic idea, so I'll just put it in my mind as a possibility that I may one day acheive.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would happen in this blessed place.  I am so high on life right now I cannot even put it into words. And I am truly feeling grateful, happy, and I'm hooked on this new philosophy of life forever.

Finally, after 6 wonderful weeks, we graduated:

We all thought we were going to get some hokey certificate after our last yoga class, clap, and be done with it.  In our last session, the teachers all sat at the front of the yoga hall and talked about how much they loved teaching our group. Well that started the tsunami of emotions. They even cried. They passed around a pillow to each person and everyone got to talk about what they got out of the experience. I have never cried so much in my entire life. Everyone here came for a certain reason, and most of us are leaving with an experience that we will never forget for the rest of our lives. I left that session feeling like all a huge karthartic purge had just occured. It was the first step.

These guys went all out..and they all invited their families to join in the festivities and we got all dressed up:

We began with a cool puja, just like when we arrived, which involved a lot of vedic chanting and offerings of flowers to the hindu god:

We all made our offering, and moved down into the beatiful hall for a cool concert, put on by some super yogi's from around Rishikesh, one played a flute, and the other played that sitar shown above. Drums played...I will tell you, most of the session sounded like the song "The End" by the doors...but all in all it was pretty cool Indian traditional music. I chilled with the birthday girl Shannon...the massage therapist from New Zealand who is about to leave to work on a yacht as a hostess/therapist for a few months.. and she is going to hit Spain next week..I miss her already...

 Then, the teachers gathered and we received our certificates..and yes, when they called my name they made sure to say Eat, Pray and Love as a pre-empt to the call of my name. I was so touched. I beamed.

Here's me and my girls proudly displaying our swag:

So, after that, we were supposed to have a hokey talent show and call it a night. Boy were we wrong. After our dinner, someone started to dance, and it was the start of the biggest celebration in Rishikesh for hours and hours! The music could be heard all over.   About 10 of us commented on how we hadn't partied without at least a glass of wine in ages..which is kind of a sad commentary on our lives all over the world, but nonetheless it was a topic of conversation.  Whatever. After all this, I was not about to sit on the side. It was waaayyy too much fun:

Letting go and not worrying about impressing anyone, how I would look, and just having fun was a huge triumph for me. I made a major step in my recovery last night. I did not sit on a chair and wish I could let loose and have fun... like I usually do in a situation like that.  Once we were a few hours in, I felt on top of the world. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was loving and accepting each other, showing off their strengths in dance offs, jumping in the circle to showcase their yoga moves, and I was a part of it. I was included and I did not turn away. I relished in every moment. I wanted it to go on forever.

It was a full moon too and my girl Shannon's birthday: to celebrate we sat on her balcony at midnight and made wishes to the full moon, which is the closest to earth it's been for two decades.  Calling out your hopes and dreams to the moon is very therapeutic, I highly recommend it.  Finally we went to bed, with the plan that we would sleep in and do a yoga session this morning then go to breakfast at Oasis, our favorite restaurant by the ashram.

Ya right. yoga the morning after!

Due to the amazing intenal clock I have aquired after waking up at 630 for 6 weeks, its exactly when I woke up today.  We had no idea what we were in for...the biggest Festival of Colour celebration in India...marking the transition into spring and it's called Holi.  No time for yoga. As we went for breakfast, we noticed children on the rooves waiting to douse us with paint...and the day of craziness started. The music roared through the ashram and we came and changed into our holi clothes:

Mostly white to show off the colours. We were given some bags of powder paint and send into the streets to get attacked and to attack people. It was pretty wild

There are soooo many photos, but I posted them all on facebook for lack of room here on the blog.  We walked all over, and after getting tired of having more and more paint smeared on our faces we went back to the ashram and found this wonderful rave party going on and all the boys from there dancing. It was noon!  crazy...so we just started dancing and it was so wonderful...everyone was so loving and amazing.

 Everyone was a part of it and it went on and on and on. We were all covered in paint by the end...everyone was so dirty and so happy and laughing...it was truly something that made me feel that high, that wonderful feeling where everything seems right with the world. Even though people were getting soaked, washed off, painted on, knocked over by dancing..we all still had love and happiness. Today I truly felt like I had exprienced something truly great. Rishikesh Yog Peeth is an atmosphere I will never forget for the rest of my life.

I sound like an advertisement for the place, huh? I hope that people read this blog and are inspired to walk into their yoga class for the first time...to see what all this fuss is about that is changing lives so profoundly and bring people to the awareness of themselves that they have been searching for for so damn long.  Everyone here is a person who came to yoga from a kindred spirit, and they decided that there is something here that makes sense.  Enough to come across the world to figure out just what the meaning of it all is.  Maybe it's just the like minded people who show up here, the free spirits, people who get each other in the need to never live the oppressed worker bee lifestyle and stop enjoying life...and that in itself is so inspiring....to believe that we could have anything we wanted if we stop thinking that we cannot do it.

We are yoga. Yoga is in us. You just have to awaken your soul from within.

It will guide you in your journey. Just trust it.

xoxoxoxox

Contemplating under the full moon

wow. I can't believe six weeks has flown by.  I have had vivid frustration dreams for days now.  Last night I dreamt I lost my dog Charlie, and was looking in a phone book trying to locate the number to the pound to get him, and each time I found it the pages would flip and I would have to start looking again. The night before, even worse.  What is the meaning of all this?  Friends have told me here that stuff will come out, doors will be closed and I will let go of many things. My dreams are trying to tell me something, I just have to listen.  As the return date draws closer, as my experience here comes to a close, I have to find the resolve to maintain this healthy lifestyle and start to work towards balance and peacefulness.  Can I do this without the support I've gathered here in clean veggie city? I suddenly feel so alone when for the last six weeks I have been surrounded by love and the safety of this ashram. Strange. Will people at home beleive in my resolve to live healthy? Will I fall prey to my past and throw away my new found willpower? I feel like I'm truly coming out of rehab back into the lion's den of temptation.

Last week on Sunday we went to Maharishi's ashram down the street.  Sunday is the day of rest and day of trash burning..there are no garbage cans in Rishikesh, so people gather up the garbage that gathers each week and burn it..toxic fumes from plastic and garbage fill the air. Cows pick at the scraps.  Ahhh nice smell for the day off..

He had this great little commune going on, where people came from all over the world to meditate and get some serious zen on.  It was once a beautiful, serene place that housed thousands of people.  In 1988 the lease came up and the government chose not to renew it. They forced everyone out and the place has gone to ruin. What the hell. So now it sits, rotting, a mecca for tourists who want to see meditation hut number 9 where John Lennon hung out.  So we get to the entrace:

It's locked and we knock. This dude comes out and charges us a buck each to enter.  No big deal, but come on it's a ruin.  This sadu guy (religious guys that wear orange and dont have jobs, they just seem to find their way somehow with nothing but the clothes on their backs...) starts to follow us around and speaks english. He tells us what each of the buildings are:

In this shot he's in the old post office, which was once so beautiful.  He shows us the tile shop, the worship areas, the apartments for the tourists and the natives, the beautiful paths, flowers and meditation pods, set in the landscape like in Return of the jedi...there are literally hundreds of these little huts dotting the landscape:

Suprisingly, its hot as hell outside and these pods are quite cool inside, apparently its all about the stone they used for the building.  The whole tour takes about two hours, we go into the tourist houses and find this really cool grafitti:





I feel the zen..the feeling that people get when they visit such a grand place...we were dying to see the beatles cottage where they stayed. Imagine, that place is open so long and one Beatles trip to the ashram for one week and the place becomes legendary. Talk about influential people. So, here it is, the gutted and rotted version of the place the beatles sat and contemplated many of the songs from their white album:

I saw the first bathtub that I have ever seen in India so I thought it was profound that at least one of the beatles had bathed in this very spot:

We also went underground to check out the yoga and meditation rooms, little tiny 6x8 stone rooms that are freezing and the feel is very eerie:

Oh well, to each his own. Last but not least, the legendary number 9 meditation hut. The mecca. The feeling as I stood in front of it? Awesome.

This little commune even had it's own electricity system, it was very advanced for it's day.  So, there you go. An old community, fallen to ruin. Me and the others that went started to fantasize about cleaning it up and building a sustainable living facility. Seems that idea is really spreading...there are actually many people turning to living like that around the world..Maharishi has a sustainable living degree program in a university in the states now, and for a mere hundred grand or so, you can learn how to start your own little ashram and farm organic food and earn a Bachelors degree. Ah...the price of enlightenment.

Over the next few days I prepared to teach my yoga class on Wednesday. I must say, it went well, although I have this overwhelming feeling that I have a LOT to learn. I came here to complete this yoga journey, and no no no..it's just beginning. A new way to live, a new way to be in this world...I feel like I am starting over from scratch and I have to make totally different choices in my life.  I have the tools now...I just have to have faith in myself..love my self and beleive I can do it without having my hand held.  That is the true test. It starts now.

Today I sent home a package of crap so that I dont have to carry much to the Vipassana or down into the sauna of Delhi and Agra.  I already feel like I'm melting in this place.  10 Days of pure meditation start next Tuesday. I go to the place, give up my computer, my books, pens, notebooks, and just have me and my clothes, meditating for 2 hour stints, 4 times a day. Can yo believe it? I might just go mad...and that..is going to be the last step in the skimming of crap off my blossoming soul. I'm ready.

xoxoxoxo

Final Day off at the Ashram.. or just basking in the glory

Here I am, where I have been for the last 4 and a half weeks.  Sitting there, basking in the happiness of my new found reality. I usually have that grin on my face too.  Today was our last day off before we all start teaching our one hour classes. We have about 30 to get through so it will be a grueling week and a half.  Today we had off, and about half of the group went rafting. I got my skype credit the other day and realized it's 2.9 cents a minute to call home. I made the rounds today and I just couldnt bring myself to go out. I wanted to just get organized, start my lesson planning, clean my room, open up the windows to let the light in, light some incense, and go out and eat well.  I had coffee and eggs today and that just about sent me to the moon with happiness. I was completely content.

Those who didn't go rafting met for lunch at a cafe in Luxman Julla.  It's become a bit of a hang out, it's a market in Rishikesh.  We were celebrating our last day off of the program and talking about how we can't believe it's almost over.  You may have noticed my utterly happy state in my pics from the afternoon where we all cheers with glasses of fresh pressed juices (a new obsession of mine):

Jen decided to wear her sari today that she bought, she was so cute she got one of the indian ladies next door to help her put it on, got all dolled up with makeup, and trotted around the market socializing. She positively glowed:

Check out me and Lisa, the other half of the Swedish connection:

See if you can spot the miss spell on "Diet Coke" on this generic menu, which seems to the menu at each place to eat for foreigners:

I'll give you a hint: it's near the other soft drinks listed.

We heard that Lauren, one of the girls got some great deals in Ram Julla, which was across to the other bridge in the town, so we headed out and jumped in a cab to go there, a buck for all five of us. Totally worth it.

Then we crossed the bridge to the shops:

That is actually a diet coke in my hands, the only one I've had since i've been here..I sipped it slow and savoured it. After a tiring afternoon where I spent a whopping 500 rupees on a self help book, a cool stone for a ring I would like Toni to make me, A cool red india shirt and a white long nightgown length shirt for delhi with blue embroidery: you'll get a look when I post pics with it on.  That's 10 bucks. Phew. Almost broke the bank! ;)

After we finished, we went down to the river and took a boat back across because we were too lazy to walk the extra 10 minutes over the bridge to get back, but it provided us with an opportunity to ride in a boat:

This is Caroline, one of the English girls I've bonded with in the last few weeks. She is my new idol.  If you ever want to bargain, Caroline is your girl. I was so impressed by her skills that I had to walk out of the store as she beat the price down to virtually nothing and saw that she she made the men so uncomfortable. I've never seen anything like it. I wish I could do that.

After we got to shore, we found the perfect opportunity to put our feet in the Ganges. I thought it was about time. I am ready now. I am ready to absolve all my sins and really believe that I deserve to be happy and start over. It was such a great moment for me:

After we finished there, we walked past a woman who was selling flowers for the puja offerings to the river, and we bought some just to take back to our rooms and put some fresh flowers in:

P

The woman appeared completely confused when we bought the flowers and headed back to our ashram, I bet she thought we were ignorant and didnt know what the flowers were for...we laughed as people all the way along gave us silly faces. Nothing beats fresh flowers, and today I got to appreciate another small thing in life that we need to stop and savour more: the gift of beautifully coloured life. I am just about as happy as humanly possible at the moment....and I'll top it all off with my favorite pic of the day that I scammed off Katherine after I noticed how great it was:

And I made it my profile pic on Facebook. Sweetness.

xoxoxoxo

Sad little Safari and the "Moral of my story"

Oh boy. Sometimes, you just have to experience things in your life to teach you lessons.  Today was one of the most valuable learning experiences of my life. Truly saddened, I was blindsided by the hugest dose of reality today and realized this world is truly full of illusions.  The west is so blind.

Today we were carted to Rajaji national park, a popular place to safari in this country, everywhere you go in Rishikesh it's advertised as this 'Wildlife adventure', and everyone here wanted to go do it.  Today at the ashram was the bowel cleanse, where you actually drink glasess of salt water until you poop until "clear", again, another thing I can do when I go home by grabbing a 4 litre bottle of go lightly and chugging that.  Another pass on the body cleansing rituals, and no, I dont feel guilty. 

This is the second last weekend, so me and the Aussies decided to take full advantage of what we knew was going to be a sunny day to take some shots of the advertised "Tigers and Elephants".  After a half hour drive to the park, we were transferred to the most rickety jeep with no windows, no doors, and a driver who only spoke hindi.  Why I didnt review my animal species in hindi is beyond me, but it made our trip a silent and frustrating one with a lot of charades.  We were told not to throw garbage outside the jeep or we would be charged, and not to videotape until we got deep in the park.  Here is the entrance:

 So I'm sitting there and I have this eerie feeling we are entering what resembles Jurassic Park, with nothing but a frame to our jeep and big forboding gates.

So, we travel in about 4km, and it is exactly what it looks like from the outside, resembling a forest from home with a narrow path cut out and high bush on both sides.  We stop and the driver excitedly points to a deer on the side of the road, which scampers off as we ready our cameras into really thick foliage:

This is all we are seeing, termite mounds...this one is as big as a person.  They are about every 20 feet along the path, a truly majestic site...apparently the bugs are so smart they build them facing a certain direction so they get the least amoung of drying sun on them during the day.  Jed told me that one. Then, the jeep suddenly breaks down.   Anticipating Tigers and elephants, I start to feel very creepy.  Here we are in the wilds of India with no car protection and it's freezing cold and we are in the middle of some path with no cell phone and the jeep is not turning over.  What do we have to do? Get out and push the dam jeep for a run start:

I have this feeling we are not going to get our deposit for the jeep ride back anyways...and I am right.  No, a tiger didnt jump us. By the end of the tour, I kind of wished we had been for some excitement. So, then we go out into the open feilds and the landscape would be magnificent if there were elephants roaming out there:

Jed, Laura, Mo and I fill the time chatting about the scenery and snapping a billion photos. Jed and Laura are in the back fooling around having fun:

We gather that structure in the middle was an elephant watching tower but the hindi dude couldnt tell us what it was...but he did get quite thrilled when he could point out two parrots on a tree about 50 yards away:

 So, on we trekked for about an hour, we did see some monkeys on a cliff, and way far from the jeep and the closest one was caught on super zoom on my camera:

So, on to the area where the 1 tiger in the whole park resides: the driver was proud to show us these tracks in the sand:

Another reason we were not hopeful for tigers was because all the tiger food, aka deer and herbivores were not in the least apprehensive or nervous of an eminent attack.  No nervous animals means no tiger sightings i'm afraid. Jed's mom pointed that out and hope began to waver. Think positive thoughts, believe me, we were hoping alright: when we came out of that area we finally got a glimpse of a real elephant in the distance and we started to freak out with happiness. Until we got to it. The driver stops the car and we rush over and are wondering why it is streching so funny:

As we get closer we notice that the obviously miserable elephant is swaying back and forth, one chain attached to his back left and one chain attached tightly to his front right leg, both to trees:  This poor animal is so uncomfortable that he's swaying to alleviate the pain in his legs..it literally broke my heart. around the corner there are two more elephants, in an even worse situation: chained on three legs and four legs...the mood immediately shifts from excitement to pure depression. We tried to ask if they ever took them out of the chains, but no one responded to our questions.

My heart was broken. I snapped a few pics with incredible guilt, but felt I had a duty to show you the reality of tourism in India...hundres of  hectares of park, supposedly tons of elephants, and they have a chain a few up tightly in order to satisfy animal hungry, disillusioned tourists. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to go on a safari, and this was it.  I was truly devastated.  I thought about the exploitation of animals for profit the rest of the way back to the gate.  The mood in the car changed from joking and laughing to complete silence for miles. Not to mention the car broke down two more times and we had to get out to push:

The rest of the ride we just saw deer and a few warthogs.  After that, we chit chat on the way back to the ashram, but inside I am just feeling terrible...how do we do that to animals? How can these people have no compassion or empathy? How are tourists so stupid to think that these animals are going to approach our loud vehicles and dance and pose for our cameras?  I felt like a total asshole for my ignorance.

Today I was truly humbled.  So, after getting there at 7am, provided no food, we got home at noon and went out to eat at a restaurant.  I have been reflective all day. This trip is so profound.  The other day in philosophy Roshan asked us to write an essay on what we have learned here, the moral of our story, and I'll tell you...I have literally transformed into a different person, and I'm ony half way done here.

My therapist told me once that I have to rewire my thinking, to reprogram the way I interact with the world in order to get a different outcome than just dissapointment and resentment for being taken advantage of.   You get treated exactly the way you project to the world that you deserve to be treated, and I had no idea how warped my perception of myself was. I was wondering to myself, how the hell am I going to learn how to reprogram myself to think another way without compeletely changing who I am and wiping all the things about me that make me me?  Well, I have done it. In the last four weeks of this course,  I have learned who I really am, and so much about myself, that I am loved by so many people, and how I want to be in the future. I dont care what anyone else thinks anymore. I took all the external world out of the picture and asked myself what I really wanted for me and I have found the answer.  I have been making everyone else happy and ignoring what I really want, and it's not anything i ever expected.   Self love. 

Suddenly, with this major experience, my sense of anxiety has lifted, I have become extremely happy and making much better decisions for myself.  I have been tested, and I continue to choose things that are good for me, rather than self destructive. No doubt, the universe has provided me with a constant reminder of my weaknesess...and I'm finding myself deciding not to go down the same roads again.   We have been taught to be a little selfish for once, to look at situations as if we are witnessing them and not reacting, and that happiness is not a far off dream.  That, and always love unconditionally...give everything and expect nothing.  Forgive your past. Stop expecting too much from people.  Never give up, but always let go.

This is the main philosophy of yoga, and I think it's a pretty damn good view on the world. 

xoxoxoxo